Life gets in the way

Ok, it's been awhile I know. I never meant it to be this way. It has been a long, very hot and very stressful summer for me. I will be honest and tell you that anxiety and depression and children have ruled my summer, there weren't many traces of "me" actually around. 

I wanted to share what has happened to those of you who wondered where I went. Maybe it will help someone else deal with some fear they may be having too. 

5 years ago I had breast pain, I went and got that checked, they found a lump and a cyst, a very small lump. They wanted a needle biopsy, well no, I can't do needles and that is true, I asked to be knocked out, nope, they wouldn't do it. I didn't go back. Before we went on vacation, I found a few more lumps, was having severe pain and my right breast had actually grown. I don't think that 51 yr old women grow a larger breast, it's a little late for that, and especially just one.We went despite my fear, I tried to have fun, as best as I could with the anxiety that was building inside of me. We came home, the pain subsided a bit, until 2 weeks before the next monthly, this time it came back in both of them, so I forced myself to my doctor for some anxiety meds, scheduled an appointment at the breast clinic and went. Fortunately a good friend went with me through all of this and let me cry whenever I needed to. I don't need to tell you that the little lump had grown to about 4 cm. and I was full of cysts. They really didn't think it was anything bad, they figured it was a fiberadnoma, nothing real serious, but it needed removed.Shall I say that fear overtook me that day late in July. That was it, there was no more me, anxiety, fear, depression, that's what the summer was for me. I couldn't touch my chest for pain, work was hard, couldn't find a bra that would cause no pain, life sucked at that time. I functioned at the necessary stuff, but I couldn't think, I tried to paint and it wouldn't happen. I just kept looking at my grandson and crying, thinking that I had just been handed a death sentence. I prayed hard, talked to God at odd times of the day, tried to cope. Surgery for me was scary, it was needles and pain and fear of what might really be there.

The day came, drugs are good, I was relaxed, the IV went well, I slept and was given more drugs. Diana was with me as was my middle daughter Tina and I guess I was amusing. Then I woke up and came home and was amazed at the lack of pain, no pain meds needed, went back to work and was pretty positive waiting for the biopsy. Then the call came. It was a Phyllodes tumor, a very rare and fast growing type of cancer, and it had grown, to 5 1/2 cm in a month. No cure, no radiation, chemo, hormone therapy, talk about a slap in the face! More surgery to remove the tissue around it to make sure it was clear. A partial mastectomy. 2 weeks and they were doing more. More fear, more anxiety, no sleep. Monday came and the surgery was done. This time more pain, less positive, no sleep, scared out of my mind. But between all my FB family, my family and friends and God above, I made it through the week, and Friday came and a phone call came, I held my breath, when she said "I wanted to call you and let you know that the biopsy was clear so that you could enjoy your weekend", the tears came and I looked up and thanked God. It's not over though, I have to be watched, some can regrow, but I am going to try and have the faith that God won't let that happen. I survived that thing for 5 years, that was a miracle in itself. So please to all, don't let anything go, if there is fear, ask your doctor to help you, there are good anti anxiety meds, and talk to people. We don't have to die, just don't be like me and wait 5 years, that was a miracle and God had to have made that happen.

So now my favorite time of the year is here, I want to enjoy it and get back to painting and collecting my treasures and talking to all of you again. It's been a totally wasted summer, given over to fear and depression. But I am happy to be back.